American Psycho's Journal

Last Update

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 22:36:01 GMT

This will be my last and final update. Mostly because I'm tired of people reading this to find out how I am doing, instead of asking me. A letter or phone call every once in a while is really nice, so *gasp* you'll have to actually make an effort to see how i am doing instead of reading about it. You can also come see me at work seeing as how I suddenly live at Bavarian Inn's Fischer Platz. So the choice is yours.... keep in touch with me and know how i'm doing or don't.

Sun, 22 May 2005 16:37:00 GMT

I'm updating this for one sole reason. Not because I care that you read, but because I want to send a special thank you out.

Jill: I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. Ever since I've started working at the Inn you've "taken me in" and been my friend. Its alot more kindness than I was expecting anyone to show. You always listen to me when I need to talk to someone. Lately my friends have been very scarce. Ok, well completly not there. I've been going through ALOT lately and you've been there to listen to me. Its more than anyone has done lately and I want to sincerly thank you for it. I want to tell you how much I look up to you as well. You are like an older sister to me. I really admire you. I had alot of fun last night, as well. You helped me to get my mind off alot of things in my life, including my grandpa. Its more than anyones done for me. You are a really great person and I just want to thank you for being you. You inspire me. Thanks for being so kind, and for your friendship you have shown me for the past few years.

Jodie: I hope that your birthday bash was fun last night! (and that your not hung over this morning). You are another person that I want to thank. Depsite the fact that we really don't know each other really well, you are one of the nicest people to me. You can always cheer me up at work just by saying hello and its something that I really appreciate. I always have so much fun when we go out too. Your personality is awsome and you are a really great person! You really inspire me too. I just want to thank you for also, being you. Thanks for your friendship.

Lacey: We've been friends for almost six years now. And despite the fact you are across the globe you still manage to keep in touch with me. You are one of my best and closest friends. You've been there with me through alot of good and bad times in my life, and i want to thank you for that. You are the only friend that I can sit and talk to for hours about anything and nothing at the same time. You are always there to cheer me up, and do a great job at it. Your personality is so unique and you inspire me to be a better person. Your letters, your phone calls, the little e-mails in my inbox always put a smile on my face. You remind me that people do still care. Thank you for being you and caring about me. You are my most favorite person ever!!!

Ericca: I would also like to thank you for being there for me. I know I irritate you beyond belief most of the time, and I thank you for still being there for me. I know lately I have been really down, alot has been happening in my life. Alot of things have hit me all at once. I don't ask for you help, yet you offer it anyway. You are one of those amazing people that you only get to meet once. I thank the housing office everyday that they roomed you with me. I know that lately you've had your own problems and such, and you miss your friends and dan alot. I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk. Thank you for coming into my life and being you. Thanks for your friendship.

Peter: I can't even begin to start with you. you are the most amazing person that I know. What you've done and what you've accomplished in your life would make your parents beem with joy. I know things are rough in the house with Alice sick, but I'm always here for you. We may no longer be "dating" (not that I think we ever offically were) I will always love and care for you. You have been there for me through so much in my life. You are always that one steady thing in my life that I can count on. Thank you for that. I can't even begin to explain all that you ahve doen for me, or all that you will keep doing for me. Thank you for everything... I love you!

Stephanie: You always seem to be there for me when no one else seems to be. You are truely an amazing woman. I want to thank you for the great year as a roommate we had, all the good and bad times we shared in teh house. i also want to thank you for your friendship. Expecially recently you seem to be there for me more than everyone else, thanks. It really means alot more to me than I could ever express to you. You are a great friend and a terrific person. Thank you.

To the rest of my "friends": Since none of you seem to care about me or my life than I no longer feel I should care about yours. Until some effort on your behalf is made, than I no longer know that you exist. It may seem harsh, but whats even worse is that you don't know nor seem to care about me or my life. Its just finally time that I stand up for myself.

Sat, 14 May 2005 03:24:38 GMT

I'm offically on a live journal strike....

until furthur notice...

Tue, 10 May 2005 15:45:46 GMT

Ooh Man.... What a last few days...

And now.... fifi.... has returned. Yes, I have permed my hair...

Sun, 08 May 2005 00:43:53 GMT

There seems to be a theme running throughout my jouranl lately.

Today is no different.

Fri, 06 May 2005 03:27:44 GMT

Today was hell....

But then again, what day at the Inn isn't...

The important thing is I have new B.Inn e-mail and voicemail...

And tonight have done my drink specials homework...

There will be exciting drinks like Honolulu Hammer... and Frozen Tequilla Sunrise... and a screaming Fuzzy Navel... yum...

Hopefully I will do a good job as Fischer Platz Coordinator. I think its going to be quite tougher than I thought. I just hope I can get a good crew. So far Rhea isn't helping. I will murder someone if I get stuck with dumbasses...

Wed, 04 May 2005 13:51:51 GMT

I want to cry.

I hate moving.

I hate moving sixty feet more.

I hate living with someone from Caro.

I miss the drawer and cupboard in the bathroom.

I just want to move back...

Mon, 02 May 2005 17:03:22 GMT

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Mon, 02 May 2005 16:57:58 GMT

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life.

Your date match profile:

Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Big-Hearted
3. Adventurous
4. Funny
5. Sensual
6. Romantic
7. Practical
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Stylish
10. Athletic

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Big-Hearted
2. Practical
3. Funny
4. Conservative
5. Adventurous
6. Shy
7. Sensual
8. Romantic
9. Traditional
10. Intellectual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Mon, 02 May 2005 04:47:49 GMT

So irritation has set in. I'm so tired of work i just want to cry. Ok, well I did cry. I'm so tired of the lack of respect. The bar supervisors don't respect me, therefore my employees don't respect me. how the hell am i suppose to do my job without respect, its kind of a necessity in the place. I'm just so irritated about it.

Then, I had my heart broken at lunch. Susie told me that he has been seeing this girl and they have opera tickets or something... um... held back tears. Guess thats just the way things tend to fly with me. I can't ever just keep my good days, they have to go away. The worst part about it is that I really liked him, or like him i guess... i don't know... i just wish for once things would work out in my favor... just once...

I guess you were right...

Sun, 01 May 2005 18:12:09 GMT

American Cities That Best Fit You:

70% New York City

65% Chicago

60% Philadelphia

55% Boston

55% Los Angeles

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Are you really shocked? Cause I'm not....

Sun, 01 May 2005 18:02:41 GMT

Wow, what a night at work. I was schedualed a one to close shift, which really means I'd be out at nine at the lastest... um... not on my shift, I had to close, like close close. I didn't get out of work until about midnight. It was a long afternoon, and i had to close with howie to boot. He was so crabby last night i wanted to murder him. but he was ok after cherie left i think that he was mad a her, but o'well. Soon we are having a bar meeting, so as a PT bar sup, i get to have say into what gets said at the meeting, so marc asked me what i had in mind for the meeting, so I said some stuff that I've heard from like Susie and Eric in Security, of course, everyone already know everything so it doens't need to get on the meeting. well when i said something to cherie about it and she got mad. So I wrote the stuff down and was going to set it in her office. I was telling Howie about it, and he went into the computer and let me e-mail from his name to all of them my suggestions for the meeting. So despite his crabbiness he turned out to be ok by the end of the night...

Despite my not so great night at work, things turned out to be ok. I have to go back and supervise from four to close. So we'll see how that goes... Maybe I'll even get to see him....

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 01:11:14 GMT

Some days Bavarian Inn irritates me more than usual...

Today was one of those days....

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 03:24:46 GMT

And alot has happened since the last time I updated... We'll go in order of importance...

I've fallen in love. Oh yes, I know, but I have. Hes a really great guy at the Inn. Hes so sweet and so nice to me. Grrr... its frustrating, cause I think he likes me but who knows. He is technically still married, so nothing can even happen for a while. I don't know... I did talk to him on the phone for almost three hours yesterday. I just called to give him my sched. to see if we could car pool (yes I finally asked him) but alas on days I close he opens, and when I open he closes... alas sometimes fate is against me. One day we'll have to be together I guess. i just have never felt this way about a boy before. Stupid I know. But i think there might be something there. If only he could afford a divorce. I just think that he might actually like me. which is kinda rare. I don't know. i never liked him before but like all of a sudden I do. Its weird I guess. He did tell me that he thinks I'm funny and I make him laugh, so thats a good sign I guess...

Enough abotu him.... things at work are going really well. I like supervising alot and people seem to like me supervising, which is great. I'm also in charge of teh platz, which rocks. I love it alot. I got Rob and Matt a job out there... I hope that they like it, they are great boys, and I hope that they like the job. Cherie and I worked togther today and made a to do list ofr it. I have a lot of stuff to do, but I'm not too worried. I'm excited. Wishing it was June already, so I could have my forty hours, plus i get to make my own sched. which rocks all in of its own.

So things on teh homefront are well... i did get my car fixed, phew... i was worried about it, but all is well.... things here are good too, we are in teh middle of moving so the house is a MESS... which is ok. I'm kinda excited to move but at the same time just want to stay where I am... guess there is no winning with me.

And with that it is time for bed... I have to open tom. after don... not fun... and hes not even working tom. nothing to look forward too... o'well... thus is life.

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 21:29:08 GMT

So I just got out of Political Science. I really dislike the class... despite that, I gave my prof a great evalution, all in all its a good class, good prof, but i just don't find it interesting. Guess that happens.

So things have been crabby around the house lately. I think we have all hit that time of the month again. Guess its bound to happen when you live with all girls.

Things with Peter have chilled down to about sub zero. It happens I guess, he is trying to start a family and all with Alice and Andy. he wants them to leave, as normal of a life as possible. Which, according to him, is impossible to do, with an aunt who is never there, thus it came about of me maring him and moving to AZ... um... as fun as that does sound, it would be really hard for me to leave my life with friends and family. plus i only have a year and a half left until I am done with school. why uproot now just to start back over in AZ. yes its been my dream to adopt and get married, and quite frankly peter is kinda perfect for me, but alas, i just don't see it working. i have that weird gut feeling telling me no... so i think its probably best to listen to it.

things with eric are non existant. i figured they would be. granted ericca kinda did ruin my self esteem when it came to him, by calling me a stalker. so alas, i chickened out. we'll see though, maybe something will happen...

well its off to biology i go....

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 21:10:55 GMT

Thanks to Jay I now have a great time waster....

001) What time are you starting this?: 2:30
002) Name?: April Richards
003) Date of birth?: 10-04-1983
004) Sex?: female
005) Height?: 5'8"
006) Eye color?: blue
007) Weight?: your not suppose to ask girls their weight ;)
008) Location?: Now; SVSU... Home resides in Caro
009) Where were you born?: Saginaw
010) Have you ever failed a grade?: Class yes... grade no....
011) If you have, what grade did you fail? hmm... same question twice... nice
012) Do you have crush on someone?: errr... yes I do
013) Do you have a bf/gf?: not any more
014) If so, what is their name:
015) How long have you been together?:
016) What are you wearing right now?: purple tanktop capris and blue flip flops
017) Would you have sex before marriage?: errr... kinda late for that question
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: does having an affair with your prof, qualify as a crush
020) Do you smoke?: no
021) Do you drink?: not in a long time
022) Are you ghetto?: I may try to be... but definetly not
023) Are you a player?: lol... no
024) What are your favorite colors?: yellow, orange, blue
025) What is your favorite animal?: cats
026) Do you have any birthmarks?: not anything too noticable
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: no, I usually do the ass kicking
028) Who are some of your best friends?: Lacey, Jamie, Ericca, Steph,
029) Have you ever beat someone up?: does my sister coung
030) Who do you talk to most on the phone?: mom or peter
031) Have you ever been slapped?: who hasn't
032) Do you get online a lot?: the joys of ethernet
033) Are you shy or outgoing?: more or less shy, but it depends on the situation (and the amount of alcohol in my system
034) Do you shower?: what kind of question is this... does anyone ever admit to not showering...
035) Do you hate school?: I wouldn't go as far as hate, but stongly dislike... yes
036) Do you have a social life?: if that includes hanging with my roomies then yes... otherwise working on the weekends kinda destroys that
037) How easily do you trust people?: errr... depends... not too easily though, had alot of heart break that way...
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends?: yes, but not in a bad way
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: yes, however, that was revieled during truth or dare with dan and ericca
040) Would you ever sky dive?: sure
041) Do you like to dance?: yes, mostly in the shower
068) Have you ever been out of state?: yes
069) Do you like to travel?: yes
070) Have you ever been expelled from school?: no
071) Have you ever been suspended from school?: yes
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown?: most definetly, hence the reason I'm staying on campus all summer
072) Are you spoiled?: no.
073) Are you a brat?: no
074) Have you ever been dumped?: yes
075) Have you ever gotten high?: errr....
076) What's your favorite drink?: I think Mountain dew, but i do love the strawberry coolaid i'm drinking
077) Do you like Snapple?: no
078) Do you drink a lot of water?: um... no
079) What toothpaste do you use?: crest
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager?: cell hone
081) Do you have a curfew?: no
082) Who do you look up to?: my mom
083) Are you a role model?: i try to be. hopefully i'm making a difference in Jordans life...
085) What name brand do you wear the most?: nike
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear?: usually nothing, sometiems the necklace petes mom gave me
087) What do you have pierced?: twice in my ears
088) What do you want pierced?: my tongue...
089) Do you like taking pictures?: yes
090) Do you like getting your picture taken?: no hate it
091) Do you have a tan?: i'm white as a ghost
092) Do you get annoyed easily?: depends on teh situation
093) Have you ever started a rumor?: not really
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line?: other than my cell... no
095) Do you have your own pool?: in caro i do
096) Do you have any siblings?: a younger sis... and my adopted brother Tommy
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: boxers are hot!
098) Have you ever been played? yes most definetly
099) Have you ever played anyone?: no, not really
102) How do you vent your anger?: write
103) Have you ever run away?: yes....
104) Have you ever been fired from a job?: no
105) Do you even have a job?: yes... I'm the fisher platz coordinator/ part time Bar Supervisor at Bavarian Inn... yes. I'm moving up in the world...
106) Do you daydream a lot?: yes
107) Do you have a lot of exes?: maybe ;)
108) Do you run your mouth?: not really...
109) What do you want a tattoo of?: have one want another
110) What do you have a tattoo of?: not sure, something close to what i have
111) What are your favorite flower?: black eyed susans/ tulips
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like?: peter... lol, big guy, red curly hair...
113) What does your most recent crush look like?: really nerdy...lol, but hes a cutie...
114) Have you ever been bitched out?: yup, everday at work by the servers
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out?: at work on sat.
116) Are you rude? i can be if i want
117) What was the last compliment you received?: god, when you live with ericca everyday...
118) Do you like getting dirty?: depends on teh situation
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: Innie
120) Are you flexible?: nope
121) What is your heritage?: german mostly
122) What is your lucky number?: 8/9
123) What does your hair look like right now?: pony tail/ dark redish brown with highlights
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian?: probably
125) When was your last real heartbreak?: last weekend
126) Describe your looks?: hmmm... is this an online dating service....
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: hmmmm... did that a few weeks ago... red... i want red
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you?: depends
129) Would you ever date someone older than you?: already have
130) When was the last time you were drunk?: god, i can't remember... the date...
131) When was the last time you went on a date?: real one... hmm... january before peter left
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder?: no
136) Do you have one now?: no
137) How many rings until you answer the phone?: about two or three
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping?: yes
139) If yes, when was the last time?: hmmm.... a while ago
140) Do you look more like your mother or father?: mother
141) Do you cry a lot?: yup....
142) Do you ever cry to get your way?: i have
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be?: hmmm... an arm maybe
144) What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: yeah
145) Are you the romantic type?: most definetly... I always do cute stuff for BF's... granded... they never really appreciate it
146) Have you ever been chased by cops?: not chased... unless you count Peter... lol
147) What do you like most about your body?: my eyes
148) What do you like least about your body?: hmmm... i would have to say my weight
150) When was the last time you threw up?: omg... like every morning...
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: what about red heads...
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like?: black and blue flip flops
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: no
154) What about cleavage?: people do say i have nice boobs.
155) Is your best friend a virgin?: umm... definetly no
158) What color are your underwear right now?: they are blue with ducks
159) What theme does your room have?: hawaian
160) What size shoe do you wear?: 9
161) What jewelry are you wearing now?: none
162) What is your screen name on AIM?: aRichards83
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public?: um... no
164) How are you feeling right now?: actually really good... just got back from seeing Jordan...
165) When was the last time you were at a party?: um... a while ago... at the girls house
166) Have you ever given a lap dance?: hmmm.... maybe
167) What do you sleep in?: tank top and my underware... unless its cold... then sweats.
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: who hasn't had a rumor spread about them
171) Would you marry for money?: I don't think so
172) What do you drive?: 96 Chevy Lumina... however at the moment my sisters car
174) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child?: a mama's child
177) When was the last time you cried in school?: hmmm... in school don't know... i cry at work all the time
179) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy?: if they really wanted me to pose then I could
180) What time are you finishing this?: 5:10 (I had to go see Jordan)

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 04:19:13 GMT

Some days I wish that I could just go back... If only it was that easy...

"Jack and Diane" painted a picture of my life and my dreams,
Suddenly this crazy world made more sense to me
Well I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song...

I go back to a two toned short bed Chevy
Drivin my first love out to the levvy
Livin life with no sense of time
And I go back to the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back

I used to rock all night long to "Keep On Rockin Me Baby"
Frat parties, college bars, just tryin to impress the ladies
I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song....

I go back to the smell of an old gym floor
The taste of salt on the Carolina shore
After graduation and drinkin goodbye to friends
And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back, I go back

We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives
Takes us to another place and time

So I go back to a pew,preacher, and a choir
Singin bout God, brimstone, and fire
And the smell of Sunday chicken after church
And I go back to the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him
Now "Only The Good Die Young" stops me in my tracks
Everytime I hear that song,

I go back....
To the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
I go back....
To watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall...
I go back....
To the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him...
I go back... I go back... I go back

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 15:42:28 GMT

Not too much going on here lately, just finishing exams adn classes and whatnot. Getting excited to move. As much as it sucks, it gives me a chance to short through all my stuff and get rid of alot of it, so i'm kinda excited.

I should be running a unemployment agency.... rob e-mailed me this week to help him get a job at the Inn, he worked GREAT outside for snowfest and am really excited to help him get a job (hopefully outside) so i hope things work out with him. Then Matt e-mailes me and says that Rob said I was trying to help him get a job, lol, so I'm going to help him too. Hes a good guy, so i'm happy to help them both any way i can... suddenly glad that I have some pull with Cherie. i knew one day it would help to be friends with a member of management. Hmm... guess i kinda am near the bottom of management... fun...

Everything here is going pretty well. I do like my supervising, surprisingly. And i'm in charge of the platz this summer so i'm really excited about that as well. i hope all runs smooth with it. i really wanna impress bill and cherie. don't knwo why, its not like i plan on staying at the inn, it just would be nice for a recomendation later after school...

So... I'M GOING TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AFTER FALL OF '06. Holy exciting, I finally see a light at the end of my educational tunnel. FINALLY. I even tacted on another minor. So I'm offically a Creative Writing Major with a Communications and Sociology minor. Fun fun.... I just hope I'll eb able to find a job after school. I'll pretty much take anything anywhere... we'll see how it goes... worse comes to worse, I'll join the peace corps. Which I would love anyway, so its a win win situation... no worries

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 03:34:55 GMT

Today I learned a valuable lesson about love....

it came to me from a bottle of lotion...

who knew the wisdom of lotion?

Falling in love

philosophy: when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. you must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 16:43:13 GMT

Ericca told me that I can't update this just about my day, well today I am...

Yesterday i opened the bar. I went into work earlier and got everything opened on time. I was nervous cause Bill C. was working as MOD, but all went as planned. Well until i found out the elevator was broke. and then fell down the stairs, perhaps i'm better at closing. I still like it though. I even put up jobs and the only one not to complain about it was the one that I thought would complain. so i guess that was good. All worked out. Howie even let me out early. I'm hoping that this will elad to that job at the platz. sounds stupid but i really want it, bad. Guess, as Ericca says, only time will tell.

Peter, I was told today that I'm being too cynical about all of "this". As well as you know me, you should know what I want, or more importantly waht I need. WHat i really need from you is for you to show me that you care. I mean really care, ALL THE TIME, not like a call here or there or whatever. If you promise to do that I'll work on my side of things. I'm not saying all of this is your fault. In fact alot of it is mine. If you can show me you care, I promise to keep up my end of things. In fact maybe this will help you...

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

I love you termendosly Peter, I don't think I'll stop loving you. We've been through alot together. Maybe we can create a future together, but its something that we both have to work at. I'll try calling you late tonight after my class....

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 17:09:03 GMT

Ahhh... frustration over money.... will it ever end? I definetly don't see an end in sight. I never used to have this problem, I think I'm just getting super irresponsible. But I think its back to basics for me... no more fun. At least not till I start working again.... as much as I hate work, I SO need the money, and quite frankly have no choice.

So, Cherie wasn't in yesterday, and I'm wondering about the whole platz thing. I really wanna do it. I hope Bill goes for it. I know I'd be good at it, it'd be great on my resume. Who knows.... Supposably hes suppose to make up his mind this week, but lets face it, it won't be till about next month. I thinkI'm just more excited that someone finally trusts me with some responsibility in that place. Howie always told me that i'd never make anything out of myself, expecially in that place. But this peon is moving up in the world... ok maybe not the world but at least at the inn...

So I've started this new story, or at least tried, I think its on hold for a while, but I'm super excited. Haven't been this excited about a story in a while, so we'll see what turns out of it, maybe nothing, but perhaps, I will be able to quit my job at the Inn b/c I'm a huge author... well a girl can dream can't see....

I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying this... but thanks for the call last night Peter. I know we've been through rough times, and I appreicate that you still wanted me at your graduation. Believe it or not, I miss you. I just wish that things could go back ot the way they were, but I don't see that happening for us. maybe we can slowly work our way back up to friends....

crabbiness

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 05:24:14 GMT

Crabby seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life right now. I'm really not sure why. I don't know if I'm finally fed up with life around me and its finally coming out. I guess I'm just not sure.

I know that I'm tired of feeling left out. Left out of everything, parties, friends lives, even gossip at work. ITS SO FRUSTRATING. I think I've just been emotional lately about everything. I talked to jill about it today. I think she felt bad because i used to do everything with them, she used to invite me everywhere, and now... nothing, I haven't seen or hung out with any of them since Guys birthday like months ago. I guess just everythings getting to me. I haven't talked to lacey in forever, or so it seems, I miss her so.... shes the person that I confide in about everything, from howie to school. i don't even talk to my "best friend" any more. I guess I use that term loosely, because I don't even know if her wedding is still on (something that i assume the maid of honor should know).... then i'm mad at dan, (shocker) (not you ericca...D-A-N) I guess I don't know why, maybe i'm materializing my anger on the rest of my friends out on him, but i think he deserves it. Not that I blame him for being totally without control in love with my roomie, but at the same time, it makes me feel really bad. not that i want him to be totally without control in love with me, or in love with me, in general (ewe) but dan and i used to hang out together, we used to TALK. Unless its with ericca, or about her, i don't hear from dan period. which may be best, but it at the same time makes me feel bad. I guess I can feel the sparks, or heat, or whatever between them, not that the feeling is mutal, but at the same rate i feel like a "third" ugh... i guess is ultimatly how i feel. Not that (ericca) i wanna stop hanging out iwth him, or both of them, but i guess, ugh is how i feel.

ugh pretty much explains my mood about everything lately. Despite how i look i have alot going on in my life right now. Alot of things I'm trying to sort through, alot of things i'm trying really hard not to relive, alot of things i'm trying to forget. I guess in general, I'm bothered, but about what I have yet to figure out. I have to start getting into my writing again, I think thats a huge part of my "lost" feeling. I feel lost within myself. I feel like I've lost my voice, which, expecially for a writer, is a horrible feeling....

Just more bad news on the front for feminism.... and well, my career in general....

An exhaustive study of New Yorker Fiction conducted last year by a Princeton undergrad proved the obvious: that male editors just might be inclined to favor the work of ……other males. Several more conclusions: 1) some editors are worse than others and 2) things aren’t always getting better for women writers at the nation’s literary magazine of record. The percentage of stories by men published in the New Yorker rose to 70% between 1995 and 2001 under new editor Bill Buford. The previous stat from 1992-95 under former editor Charles McGrath was a more balanced 59%.

cold hard facts

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 22:45:59 GMT

Quite frankly I'm sick of everything today. I did have fun this afternoon shopping with E and Dan. But I'm just sick of life. Ericca says that its better to live in reality, but I wonder why. Seriously, what does reality have to offer me, but heartache and broken dreams. Thats all life amounts to. No matter how much we try to change it, it never will change. Maybe I've just hit bottom. Thats what i feel like. Guess I go through this every semester, but it feels different this time. I have no one to fall back on. I really don't. I have Ericca, but I guess I feel bad relying on her all the time, even though shes great. I mean James is obsessed about a wedding that quite frankly might not happen, and Lacey is thousands of miles away, No one at work cares anymore, I haven't even talked to my sister in over a week, lets just face that she has a new life at school. Peter was always that one solid person in my life. For three years, I turned to him, I counted on him, I confided in him. But what now.... Lets just face it that hes gone. Hes changed. I don't know what it is or why, buts hes changed, Hes violent and mean now. Not at all like the kind man I fell in love with (thats right pete... i loved you... truly loved you...) guess reality has changed that too. Its all heart ache.

Sometimes life hits you with a rock. For me, its a fridge. I need to face the facts... no matter how cold and hard they seem to be. I'm not going to have that huge book deal, i dream about, I'm not going ot be working at that six figure salary a year advertising firm I dream about. I'm not going to find the man of my dreams (he probably turned gay) I think i need to come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I try i'm always going to work in one of those medium jobs. probably at the inn for the rest of my life, becuase, lets face it, thats how pathetic i am. jenny told me once that the longer you stay at a job, the bigger chance you have at becoming a lifer. At the inn, if you get your "three year pin" watch out... your in for life. Maybe I can be moved up to mod or something, or i could just be like don (no offence...) and stay a bar sup. forever. God i want to cry thinking about it. Guess I'm one step furthur, but becoming cheries puppet... yup, the "sometimes fill in, weekend, bar sup".

I passed the "giant green giant" on my way down to the library today. hes so sweet, (and hot) he made it a point to say hi nad that he liked my bag, I decided that i want a man like that. alas, he is taken. not that i'm defining myself by my relationships, i just want that feeling back. guess i'm just in love with being in love. which i don't think is all that bad. isn't it the best feeling to know that you know that someone cares for you. i hate waking up and feeling empty all the time. because lately that is how i've felt. so empty. so hurt.

Another thing bothering me lately is my so called friends. I'm really sick of being "called on". I've been in college for three years, and pretty much have only recieved mail from one person (on a pretty regular basis) and she has got to be the BUSIEST person i know. yet she still finds time to call, and write and be there for me. yes, Lace thats you... i want to say thanks for that. I don't wanna say that i've taken advantage of it, but it always came as a given i guess. I know you were always there for me. Thanks for the years of caring. Now, I do get mail from some people, or i guess my sister, occasionally too. But its really getting old, sending out letters and cards for people, who, lets face it, could give a fuck less about me unless they want something. I'm really tired of doing things for people who quite frankly don't care about me. why is it, i ask, that i am the only one who tends to care about whether a friendship falls apart. well guess what people. i'm done. so done. i'm over it. no more trying. so if your one of those people who don't call and don't write, then don't expect shit from me anymore, cause i'm done. (and don't try to send anything now either. its too little effort too late). i'm tired of trying to keep together relationships from hs. and such. i'm tired of being taken advantage of. yes, world watch out i'm not going to be a doormat for ANYONE else. either you make an effort, or quite frankly you lose one of the best friends you'll ever have.

Wow, that made me feel alittle better. I'm really just tired of taking everyones shit. i'm tired of being a doormat. no more miss nice april. i'm done with peoples shit. really done.

Over it

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:51:47 GMT

I'm so over this... yup.... over it all... over you all.... yup that be you... you know who you are... the people who call me their friend yet you have no idea what is going on in my life. You don't write (yup not hard to pick up a pen) you don't call (also not hard to pick up a phone) Not even an e-mail from you.... yup, i'm done with all of this, and quite frankly way over all you so call friends...

But for all you people that do write and take time to care... well then please disreguard this message, because I still love you. (E... I know your freaking out... so not about you) (Lace... not about you either.... Being three thousands miles away gives you an excuse not to use the phone and I've gotton two post cards, <3)

Holy Rough Week

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 03:05:09 GMT

Patrica and Sean,

You have been like my second set of parents, and for so long I've looked to you for guidence, and help.

Pat, you've helped me realize my dreams, and have helped make them reality. Without your undying support I'd still be going for my education major. You helped me see that I am capable of my dreams. Your faith in me and my dreams will alway be apart of me now. There is no way that I could begin to thank you for everything you've done for me. You've done more for me with just a few words than most people have ever done. You've believed in me, and had complete faith in me, whcih is more than ANYONE has ever done. Thank you.

Sean, you have opened your home and your heart to accept me. Never once have you let me leave your house without letting me know you were there for me. You brought me Christmas dinners at work, and simple phone calls to let me know that you were thinking of me. Thats more than the majority of my best friends have done for me. Thank you for being kind.

Both of you mean more to me than you will ever know. You really got the short end of the stick in life, and had to leave us before your time, but the qualities that you so easily graced us with, are the qualities that we will never forget. Your caring nature makes you both one of a kind. I know that you have done more for me than ever expected. I was really looking forward to having you as parents one day. I was looking forward to Peter and I's children going over to Grandma and Grandpas. I was looking forward to getting to know you that much better. I wanted you to be there for both of us.

However, I know that you are both looking down and taking care of us, of all the kids. Everytime it rains, I will think of you.... Thank you both for giving as much as you did. It may not have seemed like much, but you've impacted my life. Thank you both. With love forever, April